a swift, sharp blow to the gut...

i got an email from a friend from little rock... jennifer and i have been friends a long time... we were kind of destined to be friends due to several weird family connections... but most importantly because we were a part of the same youth group... there was something special about our youth group... it probably wasn't anything that spectacular, but a lot of who i am today is because of that youth group and more importantly my youth minister (for a good chunk of the time) and his wife... eric and lori...

eric and lori were second only to family in my life (and maybe a couple of friends, if that)... at a time in my life when communication with my mom was less than great, they helped me grow up a lot... they taught me so much - about life, ministry, relationships, the bible, marriage, everything... lori and i have a lot in common - her background is in journalism... in high school, they were some of the most important people in my life...

eric's office was an homage to mine and marie's friendship (as she so nicely put it)... marie was a different friend to me than jennifer was... marie and i were basically inseparable our jr. and sr. years of high school... there are very few, if any, memories associated with high school that don't somehow involve marie... and i think eric thought we were insane... but we had so much fun with him... offering him gifts of a red tele-tubby that, to this day we will swear, said "faggot faggot" - and a barbie-type indian doll, complete with a butt flap... our picture even made the shelf... complete with a frame that said "therapy issues" - because that's pretty much what we were...

jennifer called last night and told me that eric and lori got divorced... we found out (after much investigation) last year that eric had left the church that he was serving in texas to get a "regular job" with little to no explanation to us... it seemed VERY weird at the time... and now, this came as a complete shock... it's been final since june 29... with little to no explanation...

after she told me, i just kind of stood there... shock... and disbelief... we talked for a minute, then she had to go... and i hung up the phone... and i actually watched gilmore girls while i ate dinner and waited to call jennifer back... it's amazing how distracting that show can be... i hit stop on the vcr and immediately started to cry... i had to go to wal-mart to get some stuff... i called my mom on the way, i called amy... while in wal-mart i called lee ann... i just needed to vent... but there are no words they can offer... it sucks... it's a horrible situation, but there's nothing that can be done... it took me an hour and a half to get some (very) minor groceries, shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant and toilet paper... and to get started back home... i called jennifer back... and i cried some more... a ton of emotions flooding my thoughts and my face...

i knew we had to tell marie... i tried to call the only number i have for her and it didn't work... a very vague email to call me... by the time i got home from walmart, i had an im... her phone was sent off and she couldn't call... so i'm having to tell her over im, jennifer on the phone... and all of a sudden, it was like we were back in the youth group, but under very tragic circumstances... we all (ended up talking) talked on im - memories mixed with sadness about the situation... mixed with confusion and disbelief...

there was a bit of comfort in their friendships... these beautiful women who i haven't kept up very well with - who have, in the span of college and post-college (and marriage for marie, and kid) become women... we aren't the 16 year olds we once were... but i think we all felt that way a little last night...

marie and i disappointed eric sometimes... especially with some guys we dated... i can remember what it felt like to have eric disappointed with us... the worst feeling ever... the damage was done and we couldn't do or say anything... horrible... we decided last night that this was way worse...

marie commented to me that she thought this ruins something mentally for me... i think she's right... i don't know why, but i took this so hard... i felt like a baby crying about it... but they were so important to me... the reason i'm involved in youth ministry is them... i wanted to be lori to someone else...

i know that the fact that they're divorced doesn't change the ministry they had with us, but there's level of disappointment mixed with hurt and anger and even fear... i think my commitment phobia jumped up several notches in the last 30 hours or so...

i can't imagine eric without lori or vice versa... it seems like every memory i have wraps up both of them together... the very vague email briefly mentioned their kids (7 and 10) and that they were taking it as well as can be expected... but i feel like the world is out of order... and i feel like more than ever, there is a ton of evil in the world... i can't imagine what must have happened for them to get divorced... it had to be something criminal or completely unforgivable... which i don't even want to think about...

my heart hurts... it hurts badly... i want this all to be the worst joke ever and be over tomorrow, but i know it won't be...

my thoughts are scattered... even waiting almost 24 hours to post this and i still can't process everything i'm feeling... the only good thing that i feel like have come out of this is the reuniting of the girls in our youth group... last night, jennifer, marie and i talked about having a reunion in december and then we all decided to send a card to lori to encourage her (we don't have eric's new address)... as soon as we have that, we'll send him a card, too... we still have to tell the others... one is out of town this week and the other one i'm writing a letter to this weekend...

it seems like everything has made me think of them today... i can only pray at this point... and send an encouraging note...

this sucks... and it hurts... i don't like it at all...